Why?

Where and what to start with well I guess I will begin with a few thoughts I've had recently. I have noticed that 2011 has already kicked off to great start for some folks around me which is fab because apparently this year is the magical year. I haven't been able to do much this past week thanks to flu but it has given me time to think which being a Gemini am not sure it’s healthy as I overthink,,worry,,anaylise,,get stressed then end up feeling sorry for myself.

I guess the past week I have been reflecting on my past and thinking of the what if's and the why's, why didn't I take that promotion once that I had been offered and also got to be a buying manager for a clothing shop, why didn't I when I worked with horses snap up the opportunity I had to go work in the US, why didn't I pursue being a vet nurse when I was younger. There are many other why's but these are the major ones and it got me thinking if I had taken one of those opportunities in my life where would I be now and what would it be like.

Im not saying I don't like where I am now but I guess I'm getting on a bit now and I feel like I've never settled I love where I work now and luckily my time I spent in hairdressing has helped me with my current work but I still feel a bit unfulfilled I guess that's not my employers fault its mine. I always feel like a bit of a loser as I get judged a lot as I've had and tried so many different things people are usually surprised to find I'm still working at the same place I started nearly 3 years ago now. I've stayed there cause I like the job my colleagues and the boss is fair and we all make a great little team.

I am feeling restless I don't want to change jobs I have ideas on what to do like last year I decided to do a bit of mobile hairdressing I made some leaflets and then kind of sat here waiting for the phone to ring it didn't, why? Because I didn't put my back into enough I told myself deep down that I wouldn't be good enough and what this and what that, I’ve figured I do that a lot I wanted to enter a makeup comp last year by my favorite company Illamasqua you had to create a character to fit on with their faerie collection I felt excited at first planned the look and then didn't do it why? Because I told myself I didn't stand a chance and I would be no good so I didn't bother.

I now have the opportunity to enter a hair comp but again I face that internal battle of I won't bother nobody will vote for the look I create. However I think I may have to try and enter it just to for me to take a small step but already I feel doomed to failure and when it happens I will feel despondent and disappointed and I fear that. Well what a first blog I felt the need to get it off my chest now I've pulled myself to pieces over there last week maybe I should start trying to sew myself back together again..